Non-existent posts on a writer’s blog is a signal something is out of whack.  Imagine my surprise when I found the Insecure Writer’s Group through What Else is Possible?   Julie’s insecurity is similar to this Julie’s (also known as Jules)  I am working through the edits and finalizing the draft of my novel.  I, too, go from enthusiastic to giving up in my dream of bringing this book to life.   It doesn’t fit into a specific genre.  Do I self-publish? Do I send out queries?  and all the worry and questions sabotage my editing.

But that seems to be the only thing that stuck for me.

The Artist Date, well, I never quite carved out the time for it.

My one word mantra for 2012 is confidence.

Confidence in myself, confidence in my art and confidence in my writing.

As I was clearing a special place to devote to my self-care and perusing through old books that lie dormant on the book shelf, I found the sequel to the Artist Way.

Walking in this World by Julia Cameron

That will be the next phase of my journey.

It has an additional tool to the old favorites of Artist Date and Morning Pages

the Weekly Walk

So here is my commitment…my creativity contract

I, Jules the Virtual Web Writer, commit myself to the regular use of the 3 basic tools.  For the duration of the this course, I will write Morning Pages daily and will take an Artist Date and Weekly Walk once a week.  Additionally, I commit myself to excellent self-care, adequate sleep, good food and gentle companionship.      signed…jules     2-11-12

Is it time for you to commit to that self-care for yourself?

Take It or Leave It

I can take it or leave, is a common expression many of us have used about one thing or another. That is unless, it’s an offensive word is said to, or about our physical self or behavior. It’s then we take it rather than leave it and it becomes ours.

Most of us are sensitive to other’s opinions and words. If it is negative we become defense, angry and hurt. The majority of time those feelings are never resolved and we go through life continuing to take offense.

The more your positive self-imaged has been damaged, the more easily you’ll take offense and own offenses. You become it and let it define you and your life experiences.

Can you stop it taking offense? On the most part, yes. There will always be someone you have a more difficult time not being hurt by negative statements. But you can learn to put  in the right perspective.

How can we keep a reasonable positive and healthy self-image?

You can dismiss from our minds and get on to more important matters rather than dwell upon slights and hurts. You can also communicate to clear up misunderstandings (which most issues are about) and reclaim your power.

As close to the time of the offensive statement, address it; “What did you mean by that?”, or “Why did you say that?”  “I’m not sure if I understand what you meant. Would you please repeat it?”

Watch your tone when with your questions and, don’t stand with a hand on a hip either. Do it in person. Even the phone is better than email or Facebook comments.

Often people are reacting to what they think is a slight to them, responding without thinking.  If this is the case and you get, “Well you said_________”, let the person know that wasn’t your intentions, or there seems to be a misunderstanding and you’d like to clarify. If the person has a real interest in keeping a good relationship with you, she’ll listen.

Select your words carefully and keep it focused on you. “When I heard you say____________, I felt or thought this way.” This way the offending person might not go into defense.

I have a friend whose feathers rarely get ruffled by what people say. She says the person has a problem. It is not her problem. Calmly she goes around her business and often the person, not getting a rise out of her, will go around his or hers, or back down and apologize.

It is true whomever made the comment is having a problem or issue, still I think this way of thinking isn’t always conducive for creating goods relationship. Even though it is the problem of another, you can address it.  This shows self-confidence.

Judge your timing. You could be in a potential explosive situation. It might not be the right time to question anyone. To the best of your ability, don’t respond. Stay safe, but do know if the person is important to you, a mother, husband, brother sister, or good friend, that you will, address the miscommunication as soon as possible.

Consider the source is a great way of letting go of offenses. A guru of mine once said, “If a person calls out, ‘hey you! what a fat ass you got!’ ” and you turn around to give a response or walk away hurt, you took her or his image of you, as yours.

Too much is said in the heat of the moment by people who haven’t or can’t stop their mouths from running. Dismiss it from your thoughts! Bless them and move on.

No one can define you, unless you let them. You decide what is true about you or not, while remaining open to learning how others view you.

How do you deal with offensive statements?

June Ahern is a Life Coach, Psychic Reader and author of two books, a novel, The Skye in June and a how to, The Timeless Counselor: The Best Guide to a Psychic Reading. She has also written a screenplay and is working on her is third book. To learn more about her please go to www.juneahern.com and www.sfcoaching.com.

This morning I woke up with nothing in particular on my mind, but a million thoughts floating

My e-newsletter from the Domino Project about the latest book and the above video.

It was like an impossible answered prayer

If you have ever stumbled with speaking your voice, watch this video!

You’ll see why!

And an added note:

Her book comes out tomorrow on Amazon

Inspiring

Today’s quotable writing prompt

Writing is the hardest way to earn a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators

]]> http://virtualwebwriter.com/2011/11/wrestling-alligators/feed/ 1 http://virtualwebwriter.com/2011/11/sticks-stones/ http://virtualwebwriter.com/2011/11/sticks-stones/#comments Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:31:35 +0000 jules http://virtualwebwriter.com/?p=131

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but WORDS will never hurt me!

In a literal sense, this should be true.  But words spoken or held back often fuel the deepest pains.   A huge, lingering fear of many  is of what others think of us.  It is human nature to want to be liked and loved.  We travel on this path to show the world who we are by what we say or think or do.  I am guilty of that.

But the fear that causes me the deepest struggle is the Fear of the Unknown.  It stifles me.  It can control and consume me.  Always trying to stay one step ahead of that unknown is my biggest detriment.  That unknown reaction of our emotions.  The unknown of another persons emotions and reactions.  The unknown of not knowing which way to be or act or even how to voice a strong opinion without hurting someone.  The unknown that occurs when we are blindsided by our intention or opinions being taken totally out of context.   The unknown of being different than we see ourselves.  The unknown of being different than others see us.

But here’s the thing about words and words that hurt.  It is not the words spoken but how we AND others choose to define the words.  Our words can set of a flurry of emotions and “gut” reactions that can expose the pain and hurt we often try to control.   There are some words that we know can be hurtful but more often than not words are subjective and wide open for interpretation.

Within that openness, there is sometimes a longing to be heard and stepping up on a soapbox, getting others to join a bandwagon so we can feel supported in what we believe.  That openness, with our right to freedom of speech, has its downfall.  It can set off a fury of differences of opinion while at the same time longing for others to validate our opinion and beliefs.

Opinions are NOT facts

Opinions are based on an individuals experience, their roots.  When those roots are exposed, it can (and often does) cause pain. On the one hand, if we don’t show who we are to others, no one can get to know us.  On the other hand, if we show others who we are, we can leave ourselves wide open for hurt and the deep rooted pains that our definition of certain words and actions can bring to mind.

So we have the pain of hiding while longing to be heard versus the pain of exposure and vulnerability.  Each and everyone of us is entitled to our opinions.  But opinions change, especially when more information is gathered and shared.

Definitions and Excuses

We ALL have our own definitions and excuses for the things we do or don’t do and what we mean by it.  Self-Discovery word by word has been a powerful influence on not only my own journey, but for many others.  This month’s word is PAIN.  As each month comes and goes and I participate, my words become bigger and brighter lights to the path to me.   This month has been exceptionally provoking.

When I started my discovery path into my pain, the words flowed like tree roots  with the profound wisdom that leaks out with the ink on my pen

When life is filled with pain, physical or emotional or both, our thoughts often are nourished and fed by the pain.  Our outer presence flourishes, like the branches, the bright bouquet of leaves nestled next to a babbling brook.  All presenting a beauty that we long for.

But what lies silently, inside, if let unexposed, can become a gnarly group of dead weight.  It can be overwhelming as we tippy toe through the entanglement, trying not to trip and fall.

Much too often, I have let that pain of words, simmer and stew within.  I tippy-toe around those entanglements that are misconstrued.   Those words that became the a gnarly dead weight stopping me from progressing forward.  While trying not to trip and fall, I debated within myself for quite awhile as to if I would voice my thoughts and my own hurt in regards to a not so pleasant exchange over the use of a word and then the additional fall-out of a good dead gone astray that affected (somewhat negatively) some inspirational bloggers I adore.

Excuses used in an attempt to empower  actually do nothing but dis-empower others (men and women alike)   and sometimes even ourselves.

If I would voice my thoughts and hurt by several news articles about abuse while others stand by and say nothing, cyber-bullying as an epidemic all its own, and peaceful protests for a cause that have now gone beyond what the original intent was. If I would expose myself and voice my thoughts on what I REALLY discovered about myself.

PAIN: A sensation of physical discomfort

Words can cause pain because they can cause discomfort–not the word itself but from either the intentional use or the perception of the use.  They can immediately incite a sensation of physical discomfort.  The discomfort of our emotions, memories, and reaction to our personal definitions of those words and situations.  The physical discomfort of anger.  We can become hypersensitive to certain words and stories because they trigger our personal definitions.  We all want to be heard and validated but if we are not able to validate ourselves without causing someone else pain than is being heard really that important.

 Being right or Doing right

 The successful person places more attention on doing the right thing rather than doing things right.  Leadership is about doing the right things — Peter Drucker

That is my discovery this month -  Being right means freedom of speech…….Doing right means freedom of speech without libel or defamation – (which by the way is another part of the 1st amendment)

PAIN –the physical discomfort of wrongs done…..or of admitting you have done wrong…..or excusing wrongs…….None of it makes it right

Doing the right thing especially when no one is looking is the true self-validation

When I look into his eyes, I see an awesome young man with gorgeous green eyes.

I see hope and promise and success and accomplishment and happiness and intelligence and humor.

I see his future clearly written.

While the eyes are the windows to our souls, why is it that we cannot see that for ourselves, see what others see.

My son…he has my eyes!

The thing I deem my most beautiful feature.

The uniquely gorgeous green with golden flecks that sparkle in the sunlight.

When I look into those eyes, sometimes I see me.

Wanting for him all the things that, in my naive early years, I thought I could control.

All the things  I gave up, let pass me by, held myself back and often became my own worst enemy because I could not see what others saw.

As I get older, and I look into those eyes, they may appear to be my eyes, yet we see things so differently.

No, we often, do not see eye to eye.

But does that make either one of us wrong.

A mother and son’s relationship is very different than that of a mother and daughter.

Mothers and sons are opposites competing for likeness with two different worlds.

Yes, he has my eyes but he does not have my experiences or viewpoints or perceptions…..

But as Jamie asks “What do you wish to remember?”

I wish to remember that I, too, do not have his experiences or viewpoints or perceptions.

I wish to remember that a mother’s intuition is the greatest force that there can be but I cannot control his path.

I wish to remember the joy and hope and belief that I saw when he was small.

I wish to remember him as a man not a child…………and let go of my want to steer him on that path I see for him

I wish to remember that I can give myself credit for following my promise to myself to provide him with a better childhood than I had AND

remember that it is his path and his choices and he needs to give himself credit for what that means in his adult life

I wish to remember who I AM and who he is and know in my heart of hearts that someday….

he might just see things and himself through my eyes too!

A mother’s love, commitment, and support is a gift from the heart and soul — but there is a time to give that love to myself too

I wish to remember that!

It is such an honor to have a guest post for my launch of Virtual Web Writer, from a woman who has become not only a mentor but a friend across this virtual divide.  We have never met face-to-face, yet Suzette has been so inspirational to me has I forge ahead in this writing world. Many thanks to Suzette Martinez Standring for all that she and her writing stand for. —Jules

THE PRECIOUS “METTLE” WITHIN

By Suzette Martinez Standring

Writing is like searching through a dark room with no lights. You have to “feel” your way to possible treasure.  While stumbling along, a good mantra comes in handy.

We root around for writing gems.  In the process, we discover our “precious mettle,” that is, the strength and focus to see a project through.

Fear is our common denominator.  Who doesn’t have little hobgoblins that chatter, “Well, that was unclear, grammatically incorrect, trite, stupid, (fill in the blank).”  Such evil whispers are projected into our writing future, as in, “I fear my rejection slips will circle the moon six times.”

I go through that. Yes, my hobgoblins talk to me way too long and much too often despite being a nationally syndicated columnist.  My book, The Art of Column Writing: Insider Secrets from Art Buchwald, Dave Barry, Arianna Huffington, Pete Hamill and Other Great Columnists has won awards and is used in university journalism programs.

Yet every day I worry, “Is this the day my well will go dry…forever?”

I know many accomplished writers who cannot completely banish their insecure thoughts, such as, “I’m an imposter!”

I learned a lot about self-doubt while creating my book, The Art of Column Writing. I had to call celebrity newspaper columnists for their best advice on the various aspects of writing.  Scary!

I had met such writers through the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and applied their advice to my own writing career with success.  Then it occurred to me that I should mine this vein of wisdom for others.

At the time I was president of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Yet I sweated the thought of contacting writers like Leonard Pitts, Jr. of The Miami Herald or Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Robin Givhan of The Washington Post. “Who are you to approach them?” shouted the hobgoblins in my head.

Whatever you fear the most will keep crossing your path until you meet the challenge.

My fear (like many writers) is rejection.  Stewart Smalley was one of my favorite characters on “Saturday Night Live.” As I faced the daunting task of writing The Art of Column Writing, I heard Smalley’s positive slogans in reverse: “You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, and doggone it, people don’t like you.”

I needed a daily mantra, a pithy saying to overcome the fear of failure, a slogan to revive my writing spirits. So I tried a few mottos on for size:

Just dig in and do it!

Start moving and I’ll be grooving.

I’m good enough. I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me.

It resulted in me folding laundry instead of writing. My head was engaged.  I knew what to do.  My intellect understood that tackling a challenge with gusto made sense.  But my heart dragged along as if to say, “Yeah, sure, whatever. Are there cookies in the house?”

Then I found a mantra that worked: “I just want to be of service.” And with that motto, my critical self disappeared (at least for a while).

Second-guessing and fretting about the invisible “they” can be paralyzing. “Will editors like this?”  “Is this sellable?” “Does this appeal to the widest range of readers?” These are ego-induced thoughts that produce head writing, not heart writing.

Whenever I asked celebrity writers for their best writing advice for my book, I slipped into a service mindset.  I told myself, “I’m asking questions on behalf of people who can’t make this phone call.”

Suddenly, I was able to slip past my inner naysayers! Instead of my fear of failing as The Almighty Author, I assumed a more forgiving title.  I’m just the service tech, trying to get somebody else’s electricity hooked up.  It worked.

“I just want to be of service” made the writing process more enjoyable.  I felt more conversational in my chapters.  The harshness of constant self-editing disappeared, as did the need to “defend” every sentence to myself.

When you switch your perspective from ambition and competition to a mindset of service, the process of creation is gentle and authentic. This applies to fiction and non-fiction alike.

Think about it.  We all write to serve in some way, whether it’s to educate, inspire or to offer the healing power of laughing out loud. Write to serve, and in return the writing process will give you exactly what you need.

Maybe it will be publication, or simply the safe haven of process. Or perhaps your enthusiasm will serve to inspire somebody else to write that world-changing book, and you may never know the part you played.

Nelson Mandela once wrote, “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

While gathering up writing gems, let your own precious “mettle” shine.

Email Suzette Standring at suzmar@comcast.net

The Art of Column Writing is available for sale only her website, www.readsuzette.com

 She is syndicated with GateHouse News Service and is the TV host of “It’s All Write With Suzette,” a program about the craft of writing. Watch episodes on her website or on vimeo.com

Currently on my bookshelf, alongside my Kindle,I am reading “Writer with a Day Job” – Inspirations & Exercises to Help You Craft a Writing Life Alongside Your Career by Aine Greaney.

Right from the beginning there is a no nonsense attitude of how we “get it wrong” and we need an attitudinal shift to be grateful for our jobs as puts the food on the table, buys the laptops, and pays for the electricity so we can write.

So let me ask you…  Do you believe in the dream of writing and quitting your job?  Or are you a writer with a day job?

Writing for the web is about being a wordsmith. The art of composing words for a complex,
interconnected, structure of people and places. It is the ability to write for specific audiences, search
engines, and short, quick stops. It is writing, strategy, marketing, psychology, and business.

- All rolled into one.

Words written several years ago, a vision statement if you will; dreams of grandeur of being a successful online
entrepreneur, writer and making 6 figures to live the life I had only heard about. I set off on a path of exploration, learning, following my curious heart with the grandest of plans.

But as in the tortoise and the hare fable, speed does not win over consistency and commitment. Getting caught up in my own race became my downfall.   I am an idea person and those ideas don’t just happen overnight or by just having them.

My mission became clouded with hype and the vision.  The mission of helping others see and believe in their own potential through my own creative and spiritual example.  The idea closest to my heart was to put a ton of affiliates on my site, to raise money, to start a program that would help education AND bring creative ideas back to the schools.  With the slow decline of education with budget cuts and learning by rote, I wanted to see portions of the money we spend go to where I believed it would have a good use, whole heartedly believing those pipe dreams of earning tons of money could be turned around and given back to help our next generation flourish.  Not only would it encourage the creativity that seems to be cut with each line in the budget, but it would teach the kids about using the internet for good and giving back.

Boy, was I WRONG!

I lost my own balance of these things.

Technology moved faster than I did. While I once felt confident of my technical knowledge and basic coding abilities, I now fall short. HTML is what I know.  Static websites have been set aside for blogs and WordPress.

Creativity seemed to stall, as I hid in the shadows and fell into a trap of all my eggs (my fears really) into one basket.  I ventured forth in writing at Big Girl Bombshell. I stepped away from the genre I had passion about and into my fearful mindset, that I could not be a successful writer until I lost weight. My focus drifted away from living my life, the things I enjoy, by trying to force myself to fit into a realm that is only a small part of who I am.

Spirituality plays the biggest part, a cornerstone of the idea and vision behind Virtual Web Writer. Each and everyone of us has an authentic self.  The person with passion, hopes and dreams.  Often we get caught up in the day-to-day stressors and cover up, even forget, who we are.  Years ago, I attended a seminar by Wayne Dyer and his words, one simple sentence, has stuck in my heart.

Inspiration simply means living in spirit

Webster’s definition of spirituality is the quality or fact of being spiritual.  A predominantly spiritual character as shown in thought, life, tendency and tone.  The root of the word is spirit: the principle of conscious life; the vital principle in humans, animating the body or mediating between body and soul.  My own definition is living the ideas that I believe in, that we all have the answers to living our passions and our dreams, which in turn bring about inspiration.   Taking chances to know who we are, share who we are, and follow it through no matter what our inner critic or others say about it.

Virtual Web Writer is about blending all those things and building a safe haven for not only me but
others like me who are forging the same path. A Write Place to Be when you need it.

Welcome!